Dating Disasters·
THE MARRIAGE HANGUP
A woman presses her boyfriend for a marriage stance, they wrestle with commitment through grief, distance, and counseling, and navigate a surprising path toward a shared future.
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She thought she'd finally gotten a straight answer out of her boyfriend, and it was this: he'd marry her only if it made her happy.
The relationship between the original poster and Cole had already been through more than most. They'd briefly dated in high school, lost touch, and then found each other again in their twenties after she added him on social media. Once she moved back to her home state, they started dating for real.
The first years were hard. Within three years, she lost both of her parents. Cole was there for her through that grief, but the relationship still hit a wall during the pandemic. He didn't want to commit, didn't want to move in together, and avoided serious conversations. She was the one making the weekend drive to his place every week; he never came to hers. They broke up for a while, then got back together nine months later.
After that, things changed. Cole became more open about his commitment issues, and eventually they moved in together. By the time the marriage conversation came up, they'd already been living together for four years.
She said she had once been fine without marriage, but after a few years together, she changed her mind. She didn't want a big wedding, just a courthouse marriage. When she brought it up, Cole sidestepped it with vague little answers: "oh yeah?" and "we'll see."
That wasn't enough. She pressed him until he gave a direct response. His answer landed hard: marriage didn't mean to him what it meant to her. He said he would only marry her if it made her happy, and that he'd rather give her power of attorney than get married. She asked why he couldn't just say yes or no. What she heard instead was uncertainty wrapped in avoidance.
She ended the conversation unsure whether the relationship could continue. Two days later, she updated that they were still talking. She explained what marriage meant to her and told him plainly that if he truly didn't want it, they should end the relationship. "Not if you don't want to marry me and not if you'll only marry me to appease me," she wrote, adding, "I don't want to continue if marriage isn't what he truly wants."
Cole said he didn't know why he had such a hang-up about marriage. They left it there for a while.
Then the talks kept going. They went to couples counseling because of communication problems, and she said it helped both of them open up and understand each other better. The relationship took a turn she hadn't expected: they got engaged. She proposed first, then Cole proposed later. By the end, they were planning to elope in May. She said he'd been calling her his wife, and she added, "He deserved to be proposed to too."