THE CAREGIVER BOUNDARY

A 20-year-old man's old bedroom had been turned into a disabled 4-year-old's room, and then his mother asked whether he would learn to care for the child too.

He had moved out of his mother's house a couple of years earlier for college, so the place had only been a visit-stop. But about 10 months before he wrote in, his mother's fiancé moved in with his two children, ages 6 and 4. The younger child has multiple disabilities. The poster said he knows she has a seizure disorder and osteogenesis imperfecta, and believes there is another condition involving paralysis or spasms of the stomach or esophagus, though he was not sure.

His mother had already spent more than two months taking classes so she could learn how to care for the girl. The fiancé's ex was "totally out of the picture," and the mother decided she would need to "step up completely."

That changed the house fast. When the poster came home for Christmas, there was no spare room for him. His old room was the 4-year-old's room now, so he stayed with his grandparents instead. His mother was disappointed, but he said sleeping elsewhere would keep him from getting in the way of their routine.

The same thing happened on another visit in late June or early July. Again, he stayed with his grandparents. Again, his mother offered to buy a pull-out bed. He declined.

Then came the questions. While he was home, his mother and her fiancé kept asking whether he had looked into taking the same classes she had taken, or whether they should set him up with them. He said no and asked why he would need them. His mother said, "I had hoped I would want to help them."

He answered that she should find a professional for emergency care, because "I was not taking on that responsibility." The fiancé pressed him further, asking whether he was "just never going to stay at the house." The poster said yes. He said there would be "zero privacy" sleeping there, and that it would not benefit anyone. He also made it clear: "I'll see them when I see mom but I won't be signing up for babysitting or future caregiver responsibilities."

He later added that he would visit and spend time with his mother, but babysitting her future stepkids was not in his plans, "especially not one so medically complex and in need of specific care."

His mother was upset, but dropped it. The fiancé did not. Later, he held a grudge and mentioned it to the poster's grandparents. They got the feeling he was annoyed that they gave the poster a place to stay during visits, because "it gives me an excuse not to get closer to his kids and therefore be more willing to learn how to take care of his daughter."